My: Email†<<
Age: 22
Color: Magenta
Element: Wind
Sign: Libra
Hobby: Reading
Dog: Bridget <<
Cat: Chi-Chi <<
Anime: CCS
Manga: KKJ
Character: Hikaru
Cartoon: Xmen Evo
Page: Mina-P†<<
Host: Pitas.Com†<<

June 2002

July 2002
(1 -2 -3 -4)

August 2002
(1 -2 -4 -5)


Sunday, September 8, 2002
12:19 a.m.

I'm still upset. Same warnings as yesterday...

The sickening sting hit Ken so fast that he dropped the bottle of antiseptic. Itís contents spilling all over floor and his shoes.

ďShit.Ē He stared down at the crystal clear liquid splayed over the blue-green tile. It looked so much like water. Did it taste like that?

Ken bent down and picked the bottle up. It may have looked like water but it sure as hell didnít smell like water. The pungent smell spread and filled the room. Ken was all to glad to put the cap back on. Replacing the bottle back in the cabinet, he shut the mirror door. He looked like heíd been beat up, and he had, by Yoji. It started with a simple question and ended with a simple one, Yojiís fist. Ken did ask for it though, he really should have stayed out of Yojiís business, no their business.

He moved to the edge of the tub. Its pristine marble white surfaced stained with blood. He moved his finger over and over again, swirling little designs here and there. Ken didnít mean to be such a burden he really didnít. It was just Omi needed a pep talk and Aya was the only one that Omi listened to because Ken was Ken, and Yoji would say anything to make people smile. Heíd wander to hall looking for Aya and found him trying to avoid Yoji. Ken went to talk, but Aya had brushed past him. Yoji wasnít far away. Ken grabbed Yojiís arm because he knew once Yoji got in that room, Aya wouldnít be leaving.

ďDonít you think you should leave him alone tonight?Ē That was stupid of Ken. He knew it now just as he knew it them. Omi needed, and Ken wasnít going to let him down, not ever. Ken just looked at Yoji, hoping, praying, that Yoji would say something like, ďYouíre right.Ē Or maybe just ďOkay.Ē

Yoji didnít respond, not verbally. Instead, Ken now sported a giant red blossoming bruise. Hell, Yojiís broken the skin. Not that Yoji every allowed himself to think when he was in these moods, but it was Kenís blood that Yoji had on his fist. It didnít exactly make sense, and Ken wasnít sure that he registered the whole thing. Yoji hit him so many times, what was once more. After all he was good old understanding Ken.

Ken, who was rather plain and nobody every noticed. Ken, who liked to play soccer and talk about it afterward to all the people he knew. Ken, who knew how to make everyoneís favorite desserts and told jokes to prefect strangers because he was bored and had no one else to talk to. Ken, who had never kissed a girl even though he had wanted to so bad it hurt. Ken, who made sure Omi was up in time for school. Ken, who made excuses for Yoji when was out all night. Ken, who left books on the kitchen table that he thought Aya would like. Ken, who tried to make sure everyone in the house was okay. Ken, who liked to tie strings around his toes and watch them turn blue. Ken, who liked to pull out his hair because it felt good. Ken, who liked to hold his breath until he couldnít anymore. Ken, who liked to push his fingernails into his palms until they bleed. Ken, who liked to bit his cheek. Ken, who knew exactly how much pressure it took to put a slice in a personís skin with a blade. Ken, who envied everyone; heíd never have that kind of courage. Ken, who was just Ken.

Saturday, September 7, 2002
12:20 a.m.

I'm irriated. Can't help it. So you get Slash, deal with it. I'm also lonely so it's Weiss Kreuz, like I said deal, and it's not beta'd because I'm not sure why I wrote it, but it needed to be.

Yoji, he reaches over to touch me again. He knows that I Ďm aggravated at him. He knows itís unwanted, but that doesnít stop him. It never has. He likes to frustrate me, torment me. Itís how Yoji gets his kicks. I wonder if he did this with any of his others to get them to do what he wants. No, I donít wonder. I donít want to know, and I donít care. I glare at him, a few minutes extra for good measure. He just smiles, sitting back like an old cat stretching on his favorite perch.

Practically, growling I move over, closers to the wall. Silly, I know trying to escape when I canít, both metaphorically and physically. He moves as well, skimming his figures over my neck, trying to arose me. Thatís what he wants, thatís what Yoji always wants from me. I havenít figured out why, yet, but that doesnít matter because he isnít going to get it from me. Not ever. Heís joked about me being a ďCold FishĒ and an ďIce PrincessĒ, but the fact is all that joking has one purpose, to get me in bed.

Yoji whispers in my ear, and Iím not entirely sure what he said. I donít care, really I donít care that his hand is on my thigh. I donít care that I feel hot and exposed. I donít care that I donít want him to stop. I donít care. It should be easy enough, but itís not and thatís why I lurch to my feet. Thatís why Iím trying to get away. Iím not going to give him want he wants.

ďYou would do better to go over tonightís mission.Ē I say in that tone that makes Omi and Ken jump, and every other person I meet.

He just smiles back at me, a cigarette in his fingers. Itís annoying that he can do this, get to me like this. He really shouldnít, no one has up to this point. Iíve made a barrier, and Iíve lived it. Wallowing inside my own mind with my own fears for every single day since sheís been dream.

He stands up and blows a puff of smoke in my face. I continue to stare. He thinks this bothers me. He thinks I dislike his smoking. I donít, and I relish in one of the few thinks Yoji doesnít know about me. Yoji Kudo, who thinks he knows every detail of my life, doesnít know that I smoke. None of them do. Iíve devoted most of my energy to make sure that my personal life and my ďotherĒ life remain on opposites sides. Of course, Yoji has a way of finding out. It irritates me, but I donít ever let on that it does. That would be my biggest mistake.

I shrug my shoulders and sit back down, right up next to him. I will not show him any of my emotion. He will not win. Itís like a mantra running inside my head as I try to absorb the rest of Richardís folly. Itís doesnít work, but itís better than thinking about the hand moving up thigh, inching itís way closer. I donít care what he does. I donít care what his says. I donít care how my body reacts. I donít care about how good it feels, and how much I just want to let go. How I want to listen to those whispers, and how I want to know whatís heís saying and if he means it. How I want to lean a little in his direction. But I donít because I wonít. I DONíT CARE.

Thursday, September 5, 2002
02:30 p.m.

I am a Libra. By nature, we are harmonious, sweet, and have a good dipostion. Let me repeat that "We are harmonious." You got that! WE ARE HARMONIOUS PEOPLE! SO DON'T MESS WITH ME!

Thursday, September 5, 2002
07:42 a.m.

I hate being up at this hour. I simply dislike it. I would rather sleep in because in my opinion no on should be up during the hours of 3-9 am. If I had my perfect hour to get up, it would probably 9:00 am, actually I'm more of a Noon person if you get my drift. But, society dictates that that I be up or rather that it is "proper" I be up before noon. I don't get a choice though, I really really don't. My classes are at this hour even though I preregistered, and I'm taking Junior level courses. Why? Our school teaches all the Freshman sciences at 8:00, so all the Freshman Communication courses are at 12:00 and 2:00. So, they don't have to worry about not being able to take both. Even though now I who should be graduating can't because two of my classes are taught at the same time now! But as long as the Freshmen are okay.

Wednesday, September 4, 2002
11:44 a.m.

Bored, oh so bored. Help! Save me!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 3, 2002
12:07 p.m.

This contains spoilers for CCS(vol. 6 and 12) and MKR(whole).

In Manga, creators are good at hinting at a relationship between two men. They almost have to be, at least in titles such as Nakayoshi and Ribon, titles geared at younger teens. Though, Japan appears far more open to such a relationship, the creators are more concerned with what messages they send the children that read their work. They still present complex material but with a soften edge to it. Much as Mary Poppins's famous phrase "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." The creators are almost experts in never actually saying when two characters are in such a relationship. However, I still think that a relationship or rather the feelings are still easy to spot. It's why I don't understand how someone can miss them in works by authors such as Clamp.

No, I'm not saying to look for it where it isn't. Mamoru from Sailor Moon isn't gay, nor do he posses feelings such as those, but Toya and Yuki from CCS do. Is it really that hard to spot? Yuki goes as far as saying that the person he likes best is Toya or rather he doesn't deny it with Sakura asks him. Toya's classmate recognizes that he loves someone else. Mizuki ends her and Toya's relationship. Mizuki, who can see the future tells him that they will both be in love with some one else the next they meet. If he isn't in love with Yuki, Clamp didn't present any alternatives, and not doing so is just bad writing. Still, people believe that they are "just friends."

Next we come to Lantis, Lantis, Eagle, and Hikaru. I don't believe that Lantis has trouble expressing his feelings for Eagle. Some tend to think he can't because Eagle's another man. However, Clamp would have dealt with that more so. The parallel he sees in Eagle and Hikaru is that both have the same innocense. Both are. It is this that Lantis is attracted too, but his feelings for both are different because Eagle and Hikaru are different. You can not have the same personal relationship with two different people. You can try to superimpose feelings, but they can and will change for that person less the relationship becomes hostile. Lantis loves Hikaru. And it's not that Hikaru doesn't see the love that he has for her, in the Manga the question wasn't whether she loved him or not it was if she would marry him. Contrary to what you those that underestimate Hikaru, she does recognize his feelings for her. What you miss is whether or not Hikaru reciprocates those feelings. She does, but as pointed out by the end of the series, her heart isn't contaminated with feelings of just one person. I'd go into it, but that would spoil the series. In other words, Hikaru is the typical Japanese Manga lead heroine in that she loves everyone equally. Clamp doesn't hint into her feeling a little more for both Eagle and Lantis. I suggest you buy the second Artbook. The anime which follows the first season completely differs greatly in the second season. Her feelings for Eagle and Lantis's feelings for Eagle are covered in blanket of friendship. Let me ask you, would you sacrifice yourself and everything you hold dear for a mere acquaintance? That alone suggests Eagle's feelings are far more closer than the Anime presents. It goes a little further in that Lantis's only reason for returning was to change the system that took his brother. This means that Lantis would have stayed with Eagle. I'm not saying that there is a relationship there, but that there might have been a possibility of one. Why do you ignore it because of your own cultural upbringing?